On October 29th, 2012, the night before my first GISHWHES, I made a promise to myself. A promise that I would get better. That I would find the strength to pull myself out of the pit of anxiety and depression that I had fallen into and I would find a place where I was proud of myself. Becoming a fan of Misha’s and allowing his paradigm on life to influence mine, participating in GISHWHES and finding a family in my girls- it’s saved me. Now, 2 years later, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and each day gets better and easier. Now it hasn’t been smooth sailing per say - It’s been an uphill fight the whole way, but on days when the company’s great, some days you don’t notice the climb at all.
But some days are still hard, and something I’ve always drawn hope from is this tweet. I know that it was originally meant as a joke, but something about it was so endearing to me, the words gave me strength on the harder days, thinking that there was someone out there who cared. At my autograph session at this most recent Vancon, I told Misha how instrumental he and this quote had been in giving me the courage to keep going, and asked if he would be willing to write it in his own handwriting, which he did immediately.
So here it is for all of you. If you need a reason tonight to be strong, to hold on- this is it. If you’re having a bad day and you just need to know that there is someone there- take this. I know it helped me, and I hope it can help you too.
I have observed a lot of fan interactions with Misha, and not once has he ever treated a fan with anything other than affection. When people pour their hearts out to him, he listens and he responds and more often than not there’s a great big hug involved.
When my friend met him and told him her story, he agreed sign her foot so she could get it tattooed. And that afternoon, when he went to put his autograph there, he added a message too, which she also has tattooed to remind her that Misha Collins is glad she’s here. I met him later that day and told him that the girl who was getting her foot inked was my friend, and that I was getting one in the same place that read “we create, therefore we live” - the GISHWHES motto - because as long as I keep creating, I will keep living, and so if he keeps telling me to create, I will keep creating, and therefore I will keep living, and before I could even finish my sentence he was up and around the table and hugging me for so long it would have been awkward if it were anyone but him. And then he signed my book, and added “Caroline, you are the bomb.” And as I walked away he called after me that he was glad I survived in Seattle.
This man has so much love for his fans. That’s why I have his words tattooed on me. He is the kindest, most giving man I have ever met, and the responsibility he feels to the people who look up to him is astounding. I used to say that there was nothing important enough for me to get permanently inked on my body. Well, now there is.